Shopping

I love shopping. I love going to Nordstrom and buying clothes. I love knowing that I can grab a size 8 off the rack and it will fit. I love that I am not a slave to the trends I know exactly what clothes I like. I like the ones that fit my personality and my body.

I know what you are thinking: "I would love shopping too if I were a size 8." But here is my little secret-I learned to love to shop before I lost all my weight. I started by creating some rules for myself and they are rules I still live by. I thought that I would share them with you.

1. I rarely try on clothes in the store. I like to bring them home and try them on in my own home with my own lighting at my own pace. This way I can pair items with clothes I already have in my closet. If they don't fit right or match my shoes I simply return them.

2. I buy according to what looks good-not the size. If I bring home a size 8 and it is too tight I return it for a 10. If a size 8 is too big- I return it for a 6. I do not define myself by a number. I have no issue with a size if it looks good on my body. I would much rather wear a 14 and look hot than wear a 6 and have a muffin top.

3. I buy high quality clothes that are comfortable and have clean lines on my body. I do not like clothes that pull or bunch or that I have to fuss with.

4. I buy clothes that are in my favorite colors and look good against my skin.

5. When I buy a piece of clothing I try to put an outfit together. I find if I just buy one piece I like and I have nothing to wear with it- I will never wear it.

6. I buy clothes because I love them-not because they are on sale.

7. My last and final rule: For every piece of clothing I add to my closet I have to take one away. This keeps my closet manageable and helps me think more deeply about each purchase.

So no matter what size you are, find a way to love shopping. Even if you have to shop in the larger clothes departments-there are beutiful clothes that will feel good on your body. If you can start now,as you are losing weight, it will become easier and easier. Please don't put your shopping on hold until you lose weight. Caring about your appearance now is part of the process.

And finally, for the love of God, don't ever AND I MEAN EVER FOR ANY REASON put on a pair of high waisted jeans with a tapered leg. This is the worst thing we can do if we have extra weight. It is the worst thing we can do even without extra weight. Buy jeans that fit, put on a belt, and make sure the waist of the pants is NOT AT YOUR WAIST.

We can look hot at any size. Don't wait.

Does it make sense?

I was recently speaking to a woman who was on a diet. It was one of those diets I have nightmares about. All she did was drink shakes five times a day. I haven't been on this type of diet for twenty years. When I drank my meals I used to blend some sickening powder in the blender with water. I guess times have changed. This woman was drinking her dinner out of a juice box container. I didn't say anything to her about this. I didn't grab her by the shoulders and look into her eyes and tell her that this WAS INSANE. I just sat quietly and minded my own business. But after she left, I was bummed out. I know what it is like to be hungry. I know what it is like to think drinking chemical filled drinks is the solution. I know what it is like to follow up a few weeks of liquid fasting with a huge storm eat. Painful.

As I reflect, it is unfathomable to imagine that I did this dieting myself. I still can't believe the food (was it even?) I put into my body in the name of thinness. One diet I went on had an entire meal plan that didn't need to be refrigerated. I ate full dinners that I pulled out of the cupboard-heated in the microwave and ate out of tiny plastic containers. When your starving anything tastes good, good enough to lick the bottom of the tiny manufactured packaging.

At the time it made sense to me. I justified this behavior because being thin was the solution to all my problems. I conned myself into believing that prepackaged, expensive deprivation would set me free. Now, I can't imagine how I falled for it.

I am not asking you to follow my program. I don't have a program. I am just asking you to ask yourself if what you are doing makes sense. Does it make sense to eat when you are hungry and stop when you aren't? Does it make sense to eat a fuel based diet? Does it make sense not to let your body get to hungry? Does it make sense to move your body in a way that you can keep doing over a long period of time?

Or does it make sense to drink a chocolate liquid out of a juice box five times a day for the rest of your life?

Unknowing

I received this email in response to my last post on confusion. It is fantastic, so I MUST share it with you. But notice the difference in the feelings of the words "confusion" and "unknowing". Confusion is anxiety and struggle. Unknowing is peaceful and patient. Unknowing is not confusion. In fact, unknowing is knowing enough to wait.

I didn’t see a way to comment on your blog – so I’m writing you this email.

I totally agree that sometimes confusion is used as an avoidance of getting into the game and taking a risk. I’ve also found that there is a third option in addition to choosing between confusion and commitment – sitting with unknowing.

For me, this is the hardest choice to make because both confusion and commitment are action oriented and I feel that at least I’m DOING something – because God forbid I would do nothing. It’s true that confusion doesn’t lead to any external action, but it’s mentally all consuming – and – like you said – takes one completely out of the present moment. All that mental action is also exhausting.

But waiting – facing uncertainty and the unknown square in the face – this is the most scary and uncomfortable place of all, in my experience. Fear arises with the unknown and most will do just about anything to avoid it – including eat. And, in addition to eating, I would also beat myself up for being such an idiot/failure/fool for not knowing what the hell to do. I’m smart and smart people know what to do and don’t make mistakes. HA!

So now, (most of the time) when I’m in the place of no clarity and the choice to make is simply unclear, I quote this section of the Tao:

Do you have the patience to wait
till your mud settles and the water is clear?
Can you remain unmoving
till the right action arises by itself?

And, while I am waiting, I feel the fear instead of getting lost in confusion or eat. Then, at some point, I just know what to do. I didn’t really make a decision – it seemed to just appear. As I begin to take this approach more and more I’m finding that it is the most efficient and effective “decision making” “technique.” And as a result, I’ve recently lost 10lbs.

Confusion vs. Commitment

I have a client right now who has been at this a while and is very tuned into herself. She recently sent me an email about how confused she was. She talked about how she couldn't decide what to do or when to do it. And even when she did make a decision, she second guessed herself and then was confused again. She, very brilliantly, came to the conclusion that she must "get" something from being confused because she did it often. Being confused is a choice that she recognized she was making.

I replied to her and told her that I thought confusion is a way of staying out of the game. It is a way of not committing. It's a way of being on the sidelines. Confused people aren't in the moment and they rarely take connected and inspired action-they just sit in unproductive rumination.

After reading her email, I realized that many of my clients and readers are in this same place. Many of you are confused. "Will this program work for me?" "What am I supposed to eat?" "How much should I exercise?" "Should I even bother losing weight?" "I don't think I understand how to feel my feelings." These are statements I hear over and over from confused readers who genuinely want to lose weight. Confusion is getting in the way. Confusion is keeping them from taking action.

So, from now on, chose clarity. It really is as easy as making a decision. The statements would look more like this: "This program is going to work for me." " I know exactly what my body needs." "I know how to feel." "I will lose this weight." These are the beliefs and statements that define a commitment to yourself and your process. By saying, "I am not sure what to do," you lie to yourself and keep yourself from committing to your dreams.

The worst thing that can happen if you make a choice to believe in yourself is that you have made a choice to believe in yourself. You have chosen commitment over confusion.

It truly is a choice. Make it!

Nancy Doesn't Want to Eat

Nancy is my mother-in-law. She has cancer.

We went to visit her the other day and there was a tray of food untouched by her bed. There was a piece of decadent chocolate cake on her night stand. I asker her about it. She made a blah face at me and said, "Doesn't taste good."

Nancy used to love food. She used to make a German Chocolate Cake and fight my husband for the crumbs. She used to worry about her weight. She used to cook and eat a lot. She always looked robust and healthy. She was always trying to lose weight.

And now she has.

She has lost 40 pounds. The scale reads 115. 115 was her goal weight.

The scale doesn't know she has cancer.

What is a feeling anyway?

You have heard me say it often: "The only reason you eat is a feeling." Your thoughts cause your feelings which cause your actions. So you have a negative thought that causes you to feel a negative feeling which causes you to fog eat.

My advice is to feel the feeling instead of eating. But what is a feeling? What does it really mean to feel instead of eat?

Here is my simplified answer. "A feeling is an experience in the body, caused by a thought in the mind." Here are some examples of what I mean by an experience in the body:

Fear is felt as a heightened heartbeat, increased “flinch” response, and increased muscle tension.

Anger, based on sensation, seems indistinguishable from fear except for heat.

Happiness is often felt as an expansive or swelling feeling in the chest and the sensation of lightness or buoyancy, as if standing underwater.

Sadness is often experienced as a feeling of tightness in the throat and eyes, and relaxation in the arms and legs.

Shame can be felt as heat in the upper chest and face.

Desire can be accompanied by a dry throat, heavy breathing, and increased heart rate.

Ultimately the reason we fog eat is to distract ourselves from the current physical sensations, caused by our thoughts, to instead focus on the physical sensations caused by eating.

If we can learn how to experience the physical sensations caused by our thoughts long enough to change the thoughts- we will no longer have the need for the distraction of eating when we aren't hungry.

So next time you want to fog eat- sit down and document the physical sensations in your body; see if you can identify the feeling and name it; then try to access the thought and change it.

If you repeat this process enough, you will never be fat again.