It's Not Easy Being Who We Are Sometimes

I had a yucky experience today. It wasn't the circumstance so much as my thoughts about it that upset me. I realize that my thoughts create my feelings, but today it just didn't seem that way. It seemed like someone else was the cause.

Someone I thought was my friend, someone I thought liked me and cared for me and supported me, did something completely unexpected and it took the wind right out of me. I felt attacked. I felt like all the effort I had put into the relationship and my genuine desire to be supportive and loving was for not. This person attacked my character. They attacked my authentic being. They tore me down to someone else and seemed delighted to do so.

Well, that's my story anyway. That is the yucky story I have about the day. My story that is causing me to feel sad and angry and upset. I realize that what they said plays on my belief that if I am myself I won’t have friends. That if I am intense and loud and outgoing and bold that no one will want to hang with me, that they will think I am annoying. I know this is all my own garbage and none of it is true.

I have done my work on this. I have done three sheets of four question turn arounds today alone. I have taken a walk and talked to my husband. I have felt my feelings and been willing to be in it. No, it is not fun. It hurts.

But I didn't eat over it. I did my work. I was willing. I let it wash over me.

Martha Beck was the first person I ever had in my life who told me to be who I am. She told me to never apologize for who I am to anyone. And to never shrink for the sake of anyone else. It is great advice that has changed my life. But on days like today, living this advice is hard for me.

I can't control other people and what they think of me. I really really wish I could. I really wish everybody loved me and thought I was great. I really wish everyone liked my loud, intense nature. But then I would miss the magic of doing my own work.

Sometimes the love I have for myself has to be enough.

And it is.

Tahoe 2007

Win the Lottery or Fog Eat?

Ok. Stay with me on this one. You might have to read it a few times to really get what I am saying here. My work is all about belief systems and thoughts and how in changing our thoughts we change our lives.

Imagine that I come to your home to inform you that you have won the lottery valued at 100 million dollars. Let's say you believe me. I mean really believe that you have won this money. What would you feel? Really go there. Overwhelmed? Joyous? Excited? Ecstatic? Ready to jump up and down? What other thoughts does this one belief inspire? Thoughts like: I am going to be free. I won't ever have to work again. I am going to love driving a Porsche?

Now tell me why you are feeling and thinking this way. Is it because you won the lottery? (You didn't) Is it because I told you that you won the lottery? (I was lying.) OR Is it because you BELIEVED you won the lottery? This one belief changed your entire state of being for a short time. This one belief caused you to have feelings of joy and happiness. This one belief gave you a flood of new positive thoughts.

It is not the circumstance that gave you the feelings, because in this case the circumstance isn't even really happening.

Make sure you really understand this. Make sure you really get that it is not what is happening, but what we THINK is happening that determines our experience and our feelings and ultimately our actions.

So if believing that you won the lottery can make you feel so good, why don't you have me come to your house everyday and convince you that you have won the lottery? (Assuming that this is possible and you wouldn't catch on.) If telling you a lie once a day can give you a feeling of ecstasy, why not do it daily?

Well, some of you do.

You may not do it with the lottery, but you do it with food. You use food as a way of altering how you feel. You eat and tell yourself that it is comforting and that it will help and that it is your friend. You tell yourself that food is what you need and want and desire. You lie. And you believe your lie. And then you do the whole thing again the next day.

You give yourself a false high by telling yourself you have "won the lottery" when you know that it isn't true. You tell yourself that food is the answer when you know it isn't true. You live this superficial high of illusion and miss out on the genuine high of being you.

So maybe you didn't win the lottery. Can you really know for sure that you would be happier if you did? What would determine your happiness? YOUR THOUGHTS. If you decide to believe and think thoughts that serve you in a real and authentic way, you will enjoy a constant state of well-being. If you continue to tell yourself little white lies that give you a burst of elation followed by disappointment, similar to the lottery lie, you will continue on the rollercoaster.

You know the one. Thinness is the win. Overeating is finding out it wasn't true.

I'd rather earn 100 million than win it any day.

Impossible is Nothing

"Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they've been given than to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible is not a fact. Its an opinion. Impossible is not a declaration. It's a dare. Impossible is potential. Impossible is temporary. Impossible is nothing."


How much do you love this Adidas campaign? I love the idea that "Impossible is not a fact. Impossible is an opinion." It encapsulates everything I try to teach my clients. Our opinions may seem like facts only because we have spent our lives trying to prove them true. We are on the hunt for evidence that what we believe is, in fact, fact.

But sometimes we are very very wrong. Sometimes we have picked up belief systems that don't serve us and are outdated. We recycle these beliefs and convince ourselves that we are "right" to believe them. When what we should be doing is disproving any of our beliefs that don't serve us.

"I will always be fat" is not a fact.
"I will always be fat" is an opinion.

Are you willing to change your opinion?

Food is Not Your Friend!

Food is not your friend. Stop saying it is. Stop saying that you eat to be comforted by a dependable friend. Food is not, I repeat, not your friend.

Food is fuel for your physical body.
Food can taste delicious.
Food can satisfy physical hunger.
Food is a reason to get together with friends, but food is not one of the friends.

Here is a definition of friend:

Friendship is a term used to denote co-operative and supportive behavior between two or more humans. In this sense, the term connotes a relationship which involves mutual knowledge, esteem, and affection. Friends will welcome each other's company and exhibit loyalty towards each other, often to the point of altruism. Their tastes will usually be similar and may converge, and they will share enjoyable activities. They will also engage in mutually helping behavior, such as exchange of advice and the sharing of hardship. A friend is someone who may often demonstrate reciprocating and reflective behaviors. Yet for many, friendship is nothing more than the trust that someone or something will not harm them. Value that is found in friendships is often the result of a friend demonstrating on a consistent basis:

• the tendency to desire what is best for the other,
• sympathy and empathy,
• honesty, perhaps in situations where it may be difficult for others to speak the truth, especially in terms of pointing out the perceived faults of one's counterpart
• mutual understanding.

So let’s play this out to make the point. How much does food know you? How much affection does it have for you? How much does it welcome your company? Does it have the same tastes as you do? Does food engage in mutually helping behavior? Does it give you advice? Can you trust food not to harm you? Do you have food’s best interests at heart? Do you empathize with your food and does it do the same for you? Are you honest with food? Do you tell your food the truth? Does it tell you the truth? Does it understand you?

Oh, and here is my favorite question: Does food really comfort you? Seriously…..

Food just is. It doesn’t love you. It doesn’t hate you. It doesn’t care if you eat it or don’t eat it. It doesn’t care if you are sad. It doesn’t care if you are happy. Food doesn’t give one damn about you. Food doesn’t taste good on purpose so you will be happy. Food doesn’t try to be dependable so you can rely on it. Food doesn’t care if you like it and FOOD DOES NOT WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND.

So some of you might say that you feel better after you eat something that tastes good. But is that really true? Think about it. How do you really feel afterward? Ok, so you might say that you feel better when you are actually eating it. I will give you that even though I am not convinced that it is true either. But while you are eating food, the reason you feel better for a very miniscule amount of time is because you are focused on the food tasting good and not your thoughts. Your negative thoughts are what make you feel negative emotion. And maybe for that one-minute you are eating a cookie, you are distracted from your thinking, and focused on the taste of the food. You just gave yourself a state change by changing your focus. You didn’t make a new friend.

If you need a friend, be your own. Read the definition above and see what kind of friend you are being to yourself. See how much you are paying attention to treating yourself well. Maybe you think food is a good friend because you are a terrible friend to yourself. Maybe if you put a little effort into being kind and warm and trusting and understanding and honest to yourself, you could beat out the Doritos and the Weight Watcher crackers in the “good friend” category.

Food is not your friend.
You are.

The Sandwich Experiment

For those of you who have read my book, you know that I recommend eating according to your body's genuine and subtle hunger cues. This usually works out to eating a small amount every two hours. We call it "eating -2 to 2" based on a hunger scale of -10 (starving) to +10 (full). In the beginning, some of my clients have trouble adjusting to this scale, and it takes some experimenting to get a clear idea of where their bodies are on the hunger scale.

I have been trying out this new experiment and it is working wonders-so I thought I would share it with all of you. First, pick a day where you won't be going out to eat at all. You might want to plan this day ahead of time so you won't be set up for disappointment by having to miss an event. On the morning of the day you pick, make three sandwiches on whole wheat or whole grain bread. Use regular sized loaves that are pre-sliced. Try to make the sandwiches different so you will have at least some balance through the day. For example: Sandwich 1 could be a peanut butter (all natural) and jelly, sandwich 2 could be a turkey with lettuce, onion and tomato, and sandwich 3 cold be tuna salad or egg salad or even ham. Then take each of the sandwiches and cut them in half. Put each half into a zip lock bag. Then every two or so hours, when you notice yourself at about a -2 on the scale, eat a half of the sandwich. If you eat one-half every two or so hours you will be done by the end of the evening and you will not eat any more that day.

This has been very revealing for my clients. Some have been flabbergasted that they didn't need more food than this-they felt completely fueled and satisfied the entire day. Other clients had a very hard time eating only one half of the sandwich because they didn't feel like it was enough, but after a few minutes realized they were completely satisfied. And still others thought it was weird to feel like they were eating all the time and yet they consumed relatively less than normal.

This is what it feels like to eat on the hunger scale. Feeling light all day long. Eating regularly. Being fueled. Planning ahead.

THIS IS NOT HOW I RECCOMMEND YOU EAT ON A REGULAR BASIS AND IT IS NOT A DIET. I just want you to try this out for one day and get to know yourself. Notice if you want to eat more and why. Notice if you want to eat less and why. Notice if you get hungry or not.

The point is to notice.

I would love to know what you discover. Please email me at brooke@coach4weight.com with your findings.

Retreat, Dreams and Magic

This last week, one of my dreams came true. I had a retreat for a group of brilliant, talented and beautiful women. The only way I can describe the experience is "Magical." It was supportive collaboration at its absolute best. The weather was perfect, the scenery breathtaking, and the caliber of women astounding.

We all felt so lucky to be in each other's company. We laughed. We cried. We laughed. We said things that were scary to say out loud, and held each other in supportive silence without trying to rescue each other. We truly lived the metaphor that the best way to help a butterfly break out of a cocoon is to BE a butterfly.

Although I ran the seminar and was the facilitator, I felt more like a witness to the magic. More than just coach, I created a space where they could reveal who they really are; and without fail, the quality that emerged was love. Funny, kick-ass, "smokin hot" love.

I thank each and every courageous woman who spent her time and energy with us. It was truly one of my favorite dreams come true!

See you next year!

A "Stand-Alone" Butt

This? No, unfortunately this is NOT my butt. This is what I call a "stand alone" butt. (A stock photo.) This is a butt that can proudly walk around naked or wear a string bikini. This is most definitely not my butt.

My butt needs HELP. It cannot stand-alone. My butt has suffered the effects of storm eating and 2,000 calorie meals. My butt has been through two pregnancies. My butt has been part of a weight gain and loss of 70 pounds. My butt is tired and it looks it. It hangs in surrender. I only bring this up because I fully realized this by the pool yesterday.

I am at a beautiful resort in Lake Tahoe, California. The weather is gorgeous and the resort pool inviting. I went to the pool yesterday in my new bikini. It is a very cute bikini. I love this bikini on the hanger. But this bikini was made for a stand-alone butt. I realized this as I walked by the pool. Last year's bikini held my butt up like a good support bra. It held everything in and hid the effects of my emotional eating past. This bikini- that I now wore- told the truth.

But here is the most amazing part-I didn't get upset. Honestly. I didn't feel bad or beat myself up. I didn't hide. I didn't recoil in shame. I watched myself not care. I was fascinated that I could be honestly aware that that my body didn't look great, and I didn't care. Now, don’t get me wrong. I am not one of those weight loss coaches who tries to tell you that loose skin, fat, or cellulite are pretty and lovable-they aren't. Truly they aren't. But what I realized is that it wasn't pretty and IT DIDN'T MATTER.

Many of you can relate to what a profound realization this is. It is mind boggling even to me, and I have been at my natural weight for five years now. I DIDN'T CARE WHAT MY BUTT LOOKED LIKE. I stayed and played with my boys and went down the water slide and swam in the pool.

Even when my son (he is 7 and way too into girls for my comfort) pointed out a beautiful woman with an amazing body and stated, "See her, over there, mom? That is what you should look like." I honestly didn't even flinch. I could appreciate her body without hating mine. Who knew? Who thought it would be possible to like a woman with a stand-alone butt? Certainly not me.

"I Don't Overeat When I'm Truly Happy"

I spent this last weekend with three amazing women- all of us coaches. I haven't laughed this much in a long while. We had a fantastic time. We all have very sarcastic humor and we have no problem making fun of ourselves. I laughed so hard I cried. Tears. Hiccups. Crying. When I think about some of the things we did I am still laughing. It really isn't fair that we have this much fun at work.

One of the women I was with had recently gained a few (eight) pounds due to a stressful situation at home that she ate her way through. She had been struggling a bit with fog eating and was ready to get back on track. Throughout the weekend she repeatedly said things like, "When I am having this much fun I don't think about food. Food is not an issue when I am laughing this much." I know, fascinating right?

But haven't you also noticed this to be true? When you are doing something engaging and meaningful don’t you notice that you don't think about food as much? When you're busy having fun and truly enjoying each moment, don’t you notice that you think less about finding a way to be alone with a bag of potato chips? When a client tells me they found themselves eating out of the refrigerator unable to stop, I ask them if they could have stopped if Oprah walked in the room and wanted to chat. I haven't heard "no" yet.

So what does this mean? It doesn't mean you have to change all your external situations to be thin. It doesn't mean if you are in a circumstance that isn't fun that you will always be fat. But what I think it does mean is that if we add more genuine joy to our lives, we will fog eat less. If we diversify our joy away from food, we just might lose a couple pounds.

Test out this theory and let me know what you find....

And in the spirit of laughing out load, please enjoy this video. I have watched it dozens of times and each time I laugh out loud. Maybe we really are our own worst enemy. . . . .